Monday, January 21, 2013

Status: FUBAR

How can one person feel so many conflicting things at once and not break into little tiny shards of herself? I  don't understand it.

I realized a couple of days ago that I do not like my scar. I have to stop myself from saying that I actually hate my scar. I don't want to hate a part of myself. Yet, for some reason, I do. I realized it after looking at myself in the mirror, all dressed up, made up, earrings, hair- check, check, check. And then there is this wide scar across my neck that just mars the whole picture. When I wear something that covers it- a choker, a scarf, I feel comforted. I feel like I look normal. I hadn't realized those feelings consciously until a few days ago, and then it hit me- I fucking hate this scar.

Yesterday I was at the lab getting blood drawn. The tech drawing me said, "When did you have your surgery?" I told her, June. She showed me her scar, a thin, thin line in the hollow of the base of her throat. Barely there. You can't even see it unless you look. She said, "I had mine in August." I wanted to say, "Oh yeah? Good for you. Screw you." Instead I said, "It looks great."

I feel angry that this happened. Maybe I'm late. Maybe I am feeling the things I thought I was supposed to feel when I was still moving through it all. Why am I categorizing my feelings? I'm just feeling what I feel. RIght now, I don't understand this whole thing. Why did I have cancer, and why did my mom die? Why do I ask why? I know these answers but on the deep-inside-of-me, there is something in me that is SO MAD.

Today a song came on and it reminded me of my mom. I felt her sitting next to me, wanting to comfort me as I got more and more sad, and emotional, driving down the road. In my mind's eye I turned to my mother and punched and hit her.

I'm being confronted with how mad I am that she was never enough. Not that she needed to be, but I needed her to try to be, and she couldn't, and wouldn't. I hate asking WHY?! because it's a pointless endeavor, and yet I still want to beat her and hurt her and scream in her face, WHY WHY WHY?

I feel like I'm fucked up. I feel like I've been impaled on a giant drill bit that has routed out my very insides leaving me scarred and messy on the inside. And empty.

I don't understand how I can feel all of that, and feel the deep love I do for what I do. I don't undrstand how I can be that angry, and that on-edge, and still dream of my future, and what it will be like to be a midwife, to walk the halls of my midwifery school and think of the women who have made that journey before me. How can I feel such profound gratitude and be so humbled by the love of my husband - and of my kids- and be so sickened with anger, to feel so chaotic inside at the same time? I don't get it.

I have been feeling things in my neck lately and I am convinced it's just a body memory of where I was a year ago- with swollen lymph nodes and cancer growing inside of me. It felt like this. It was achy, and tender, and called my attention. This time, I don't want to go to the doctor. I don't want to have this conversation about cancer, I don't want to have someone touch my neck and try to reassure me. I Don't want to wonder if I'm okay, or if I'm down this rabbit hole again. I want to just set it aside for now. I really can't do anything more than that, I just can't. I have to set it aside for now.

1 comment:

  1. I was recently wondering how the post cancer processing was going for you. Stupid scar. I mean, I hope you love it one day but I think it's great you can say you hate it. It's like the picture gallery that one lady did of women and their real body's and breasts including missing breasts and I'm like, "God she's beautiful." But maybe she hates having only one breast etc... Or maybe she loves it. It is what it is in the end, eh? I love you and your scar and that you do not have cancer and that you have not and will not break into shards. Keep on keeping, and dreaming and wearing scarves if that is what suites you!