How can one person feel so many conflicting things at once and not break into little tiny shards of herself? I don't understand it.
I realized a couple of days ago that I do not like my scar. I have to stop myself from saying that I actually hate my scar. I don't want to hate a part of myself. Yet, for some reason, I do. I realized it after looking at myself in the mirror, all dressed up, made up, earrings, hair- check, check, check. And then there is this wide scar across my neck that just mars the whole picture. When I wear something that covers it- a choker, a scarf, I feel comforted. I feel like I look normal. I hadn't realized those feelings consciously until a few days ago, and then it hit me- I fucking hate this scar.
Yesterday I was at the lab getting blood drawn. The tech drawing me said, "When did you have your surgery?" I told her, June. She showed me her scar, a thin, thin line in the hollow of the base of her throat. Barely there. You can't even see it unless you look. She said, "I had mine in August." I wanted to say, "Oh yeah? Good for you. Screw you." Instead I said, "It looks great."
I feel angry that this happened. Maybe I'm late. Maybe I am feeling the things I thought I was supposed to feel when I was still moving through it all. Why am I categorizing my feelings? I'm just feeling what I feel. RIght now, I don't understand this whole thing. Why did I have cancer, and why did my mom die? Why do I ask why? I know these answers but on the deep-inside-of-me, there is something in me that is SO MAD.
Today a song came on and it reminded me of my mom. I felt her sitting next to me, wanting to comfort me as I got more and more sad, and emotional, driving down the road. In my mind's eye I turned to my mother and punched and hit her.
I'm being confronted with how mad I am that she was never enough. Not that she needed to be, but I needed her to try to be, and she couldn't, and wouldn't. I hate asking WHY?! because it's a pointless endeavor, and yet I still want to beat her and hurt her and scream in her face, WHY WHY WHY?
I feel like I'm fucked up. I feel like I've been impaled on a giant drill bit that has routed out my very insides leaving me scarred and messy on the inside. And empty.
I don't understand how I can feel all of that, and feel the deep love I do for what I do. I don't undrstand how I can be that angry, and that on-edge, and still dream of my future, and what it will be like to be a midwife, to walk the halls of my midwifery school and think of the women who have made that journey before me. How can I feel such profound gratitude and be so humbled by the love of my husband - and of my kids- and be so sickened with anger, to feel so chaotic inside at the same time? I don't get it.
I have been feeling things in my neck lately and I am convinced it's just a body memory of where I was a year ago- with swollen lymph nodes and cancer growing inside of me. It felt like this. It was achy, and tender, and called my attention. This time, I don't want to go to the doctor. I don't want to have this conversation about cancer, I don't want to have someone touch my neck and try to reassure me. I Don't want to wonder if I'm okay, or if I'm down this rabbit hole again. I want to just set it aside for now. I really can't do anything more than that, I just can't. I have to set it aside for now.