Saturday, September 8, 2012

Cancer, therapy, family, etc.

I am feeling like my self again- I would dare to say my 'old' self but she died. I'm a pretty close facsimile I'd say, I laugh easily again, I once again have a problem shutting up and listening. Life feels easy, and like there's a rhythm. I don't feel like I have to make room for cancer anymore, it happened. It's not still happening, at least physically.

It does feel like I'm still working through it all. In some ways I feel like I'm coming out of that shock that happens when you instantly accept the most unacceptable thing, because what choice do you have? And then later, after the crisis is over, you take a deep breath and your hands start shaking and your chest is heavy and you just don't know why.

Today we were in the car listening to the radio and this beautiful acoustic version of 3am from Matchbox 20 came on. I said, "He wrote this song for his mother who had cancer." And then I started to cry. I had cancer. I had it, just like she did. I was loved through it, just like she was. I don't know her, I don't know her name, but we had cancer, and thankfully, we both survived it. My friend Leah, she's moving through her cancer, too, surviving, and living, and inspiring. We're here, and life does go on, and then sometimes it comes to a screeching halt and we wonder why, and how, and what are we supposed to do?

It's weird to have had a cancer that seems so trivial and enormous at the same time. When I say it, it's such a small word, but not benign in any way. When I add "thyroid", it takes something away. People are more comfortable with it because it means it was 'no big deal'. It wasn't a big deal, looking backward. Today, it feels that way- and when I was in it, it was one of the biggest deals of my whole life.

I've decided to start going to therapy, I have all this energy that is stuck inside me and while I've been an excellent therapist for myself over these many years, I am at a point where I don't know where to go.  My family relationships are terribly damaged and I didn't realize how much until I had cancer, and my phone didn't ring. I had surgery, and other than my mom and my aunt (who is my best friend, sister, aunt, mother all in one), my family didn't call. I didn't know what to do with that, I still don't. I don't know how to go to birthday parties, and weddings, and celebrate life transitions and moments when I was not held. I don't know if I'm angry, but I'm very, very sad. Very sad, and I don't know how to go forward in a healthy way for me. So, off to the therapist. This is just too big of one to do on my own.

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