Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Let's do it

Struggling with feeling very, very insecure about wanting someone to just think of me today, and feeling like such a big dork because it's 'just an ultrasound'. I feel torn, like I'm being a drama queen, and then laying in bed at night with anxiety thinking, how can one over dramatize cancer??

Today Eidie will go with a friend who will be her mama for the afternoon while I go turn back into the little girl that cancer breaks me into. The little girl who hugs her cancer-fighting cape and cries during the ultrasound because she's afraid they'll find something, and afraid they won't.

"Just" this. "Just" that. Just an ultrasound. Just thyroid cancer. Just surgery. Just a moment that completely shifts your life and you can never, ever get it back to the way it was, and now it has worked its tendrils through everything you do, everything you think. My period is 15 days long? Maybe there's a tumor in there. What is this lump in my neck? I was constipated today, maybe it's colon cancer.

NO joke. This is my life.

I will say that I no longer have the constant stream of thoughts of my death anymore. THANKFULLY. It actually stopped after I went to that group - which I've since decided I'm not going back to, at least not right now. But it feels good to not be constantly imagining what it will feel like when the oncoming car crashes headlong into mine, or what it will feel like to be ejected out of the vehicle,  or to have my heart stop while I'm sleeping. I had these thoughts hundreds or thousands of times a day.

I'm super, super super busy with work now and it's a double-edged-sword. I work a lot when I start to feel like things are a little too close. With the ultrasound today and my mother's birthday tomorrow- her first since she died- I'm a little on edge. I need a good hard cry and then I'll probably feel better but right now I feel tightly wound and sad around the edges of myself - but mostly I'm grateful to have so much to DO so that I don't have to BE with all of this.

I do feel like things are starting to feel like a new normal now- things feel new, but familiar again- and then I have days where it feels like someone threw me into deep water and I don't know which end is up, I don't know which way to swim. Sometimes I swim down, but mostly I shoot back up to the surface. I'm nothing if not resilient!

If they find something growing they may want to do a biopsy today. I think I will decline and say, "Cut that shit out." Why wait for results? Let's just get it out. If there's something NEW, it ain't good. I'd rather not have more biopsies.

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