Saturday, March 9, 2013


Randy and I were driving down the road and he started saying something about my ultrasound "..on Tuesday..". I corrected him, no, my ultrasound is on the 23rd. The next thing I have to deal with is my mom's birthday on March 13, the first one since she died in October. I'm kind of focused on that right now.

No, he insisted, it's on Tuesday. I was worried he was right and I checked my calendar. When I saw that he was right, that the ultrasound is just a few days away, rather than weeks, that it happens the day before my mom's birthday, I burst into tears.

Randy was speechless for a few moments, and I was crying hard enough that I couldn't form words to try to tell him what was wrong. I wasn't really sure what was wrong, I just knew that suddenly I was freaking out a little bit.

I realized that I was trying to categorize the experiences again, that I could do one thing at a time. First I will deal with my mother's birthday, and then I will make space for this ultrasound. Hah!! Very funny.

So here we go again - another ultrasound. I find as I get closer to it I'm noticing more and more little funny things about how my neck feels. I found a lymph node in my neck that is hard and I wonder, has it always been like that? Should I ask them to look at it? Am I clearing my throat a lot? Is that pressure I feel?

So crazy, this journey. Nothing medical is ever just simple anymore. Now there is the potential for great big scary things to come bursting out of me, or needing to be shoved into me in some fashion. Now my body and heart know what it's like to hear the bad news, and I can't un-know it. So, I'll have my ultrasound on Tuesday. I'll wait impatiently and try not to second guess everything. I'll get the results. If there is something new, I will soldier on. If there is not, then I'll breathe out, until the next intake of breath when I have to go back to the doctor for some other thing.

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