Monday, July 30, 2012

Full stop

"What's my destiny, mama?" -- Forrest Gump

I don't know what mine is, I realized this weekend. I live a lot in the future. I think about what it will be like to be a midwife, or to die. I think about what it will feel like in random scenarios that will likely never happen.

I think it's a fine distraction from what I'm feeling right now, in any given moment. I still don't know how to feel things *right now*, very well, at least.. that's my thought in this moment.

The trip this weekend was a deep, deep river that words will only make shallow, and tidy. I am not ready to write about my trip to the Redwoods and the things that happened, inside me and outside me as well, but I will say a few things -

- I am learning that I intellectualize my feelings a lot as a very effective defense mechanism. This comes up time and time and time again and is a 'hot' issue for me right now. I immediately process why, how, the other side, and I do my very best to skip over the feelings all together.

As a result, this blog is evidence, I feel like I have a lot of feelings about having had cancer that I did not name, or sit with. I don't need to relive the whole thing (or do I? I don't know... that's a good question- is that just going back to my regular defense mechanism? Hmm...) but I want to move forward in better awareness of what I'm feeling and letting that just be. No thinking about it, rationalizing or judging it. There are no 'bad' feelings, just uncomfortable ones- and I know this, and I need to just let myself be uncomfortable more often. Thank you, cancer-teacher.

- There were three mosquitos during my entire trip from Thursday night until 3:30am this morning when I arrived home. Three.

-  As I was packing for my trip I was sitting in the front seat of the van and this dark shadow passed over the windshield. I thought, holy moly that was like a movie! I hopped out of the van and looked up and there was a single hawk right above me that was slowly spiraling up, and up, and up. It didn't go wide, it just stayed right there but went higher, and higher. I've never seen a hawk around my house before. There were probably 40 hawks on the trip, we saw hawks constantly.

- Campground (KOA in Crescent City if you care) was absolutely perfect. I was worried when I pulled up by how busy it looked but I had paid for a tent space (no regrets!) and it was totally surrounded by redwoods and huge stumps, so we had privacy and quiet even though the grounds were totally full.

- Serendipity abounded during this trip. I can't even give examples, but all along the way we felt incredibly touched by Spirit and blessed in our journey- everything just consistently worked out even when it seemed like it wouldn't.

That's all I'm saying for now. I'm trying to slip back into the stream of my regular life, at least a little bit, so that I can function. More words later.

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