Gratitude

I'm feeling recovered from my fever for the most part- I am pretty pooped right now and I don't know if it's from my surgery recovery, which come on, should be well behind me now, or recovering from the intense fever I had, or what.

I still run out of breath so fast and I don't know what that's about, if it's normal or what. I need to go to Seattle on Wednesday for my post-op appointment so it's one of the things I'll be asking about for sure. My voice is still making steady, albeit slow progress every day. I sound more like myself today than I did yesterday, especially if I keep my yap shut for an hour or two before I talk.

This morning I woke up to no kids in the house, husband gone to work - just me and my cat, waking up together in the morning sun. I had this burst of inspiration to go shopping so I did, which is something I don't do often as I'm generally struggling to feel successful in what I purchase. Today I tried on seven things, and I bought all seven things. Dude, that's a 100% success rate!

While I was driving around doing my errands I just had this sudden realization that I am free from the heaviest burden of cancer - getting treated, pursuing being cured of it. My fever is over and today, I felt good, alive, breathing, free of stress. I realized that I hadn't felt *contentment* in a long time. I haven't felt the feeling of just being satisfied with what I am, who I am, what I have, what my life is- in a while.

I think that feeling was tucked away as soon as I knew that I could possibly have cancer, which started on February 17th when the ultrasound tech left the image of my thyroid up on the screen as she went to review my films with the radiologist, and I saw that little nugget of mystery staring at me.

I generally feel content with my life. I have amazing, inspiring relationships with my friends, with my kids and husband and the people I work with. Deep rivers of love run through my life. I don't want for much at all in any deep way. I have what I need and crave.

Suddenly though, I was distracted by this little detour my life seemed to be taking and rather than controlling my life, rather than choosing for myself where I wanted to focus, I had to let go of things that I love doing. I had to think about giving up things that I was planning for the future. I had to imagine my death, rather than my long life.

There is no contentment in that place, at least, there wasn't for me. I'm sure there could have been, if I'd realized it and worked to get to that frame of mind, but it wasn't on my radar in the moment. Today when it hit me that I am indeed content, I felt a tremendous gratitude wash over me. I get to live, at least today! I get to imagine my future again the way I want, rather than having to make more sacrifices for something that I never wanted to accomodate.

It is a relief to be awash in gratitude, and contentment.