Sunday, July 1, 2012


Today I woke up with really mild pain- which is so great, what a success! Pain is taxing and tiring and I think as my pain winds down my energy level will hopefully level up a bit. I think I'm healing up really well, I didn't expect to be pain free right away.

I am accepting that my voice doesn't work just yet, and I'm finding a new way with it. I find that I choose to be silent a lot more often- I had small thoughts that I would struggle with not being able to 'speak', when I find that silence is just as informative oftentimes as speaking is. I had been really working on choosing when to speak long before I ever knew I had cancer- I quiet my thoughts and still my hand FAR more often than I speak out! It has been good to learn to let things develop in their own timeline without my encouragement or support or whatever I had to offer in the moment - what would happen if I said nothing? I ask myself that question a lot.

It feels like training for what I'm experiencing now, which is to physically not be able to verbally express my thoughts. I speak too much, it's a hard 'habit' to break, so I end up silenced by that because the lump swells in my throat and it's an uncomfortable reminder to keep silent.

The silence is quite liberating. I have had to get my kids to understand that I can only tell them something one time, and that I need them to listen right away. It gives me (more) time to choose my words and use them wisely, to ask other people to speak for me (which is something that is completely new to me, and probably most people I'd guess?).

Arguing is difficult and so I don't do it. I wait.

Singing is impossible. I try anyway. How can I not sing? Unfortunately while I had high hopes this surgery would correct whatever anatomical flaw prevents me from sounding like the Botticelli angel that I hear in my mind, alas.... the world will just have to suffer without my talents a while longer.

I feel like I'm on the leading edge of something important, that this is a necessary step in this journey. I told you this was not about my body, this was about my life - this cancer was teaching me something about my life, my Spirit. This is my Medicine Walk.

I'm doing my best to keep my heart curious and open, knowing that when the hard times come, that they are transient and to my ultimate benefit.

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