Interconnected

Last night I went into the bathroom and was just looking over my neck and I noticed that the area where we'd fussed with the tape had caused it to lift entirely, it was no longer sticking to my neck at all in that area. I considered trimming it but decided without a lot of thought to just pull it. It was kind of a gut move, really. Offffff zipped the tape, it wasn't super sticky anymore and came off easily and my neck-guts didn't fall out. Score!

Here's my incision as it looks at almost 24 hours without tape on it. Click on it to see it closer up. There is a bit of the tape goo left behind but the area is quite tender and I really don't want to touch or pick at it at all.  It also doesn't look this red in real life.

I went to sleep with just the thought in my mind that it might open up while I'm sleeping, and what would I do? Would I know? But that's just the post-surgical-crazy coming out and I knew that, so I went to sleep and while it was in my consciousness, it didn't bother me too much.

I had a dream that I can't remember now but I do recall that while I was dreaming it I was trying to understand it (I often sort out the meanings in my dreams as I'm having them which is handy!) This dream had something important for me to learn and I was trying to grasp it before I woke up but I don't know if I did or not.

Today I woke up feeling sad and vulnerable and emotional. I really think it has a direct relationship with the tape on my neck- I took away my 'protection' and those feelings are just there under the surface, raw and red like my neck. Today I also notice that my voice is not as strong as it was yesterday and I feel like I want to be quiet, and silent, and within.

It's interesting to me that I keep wondering if I'll reach a point soon where the 'cancer journey' has officially ended and I have nothing left to say about it, and then something completely unexpected pops up.

I also notice that I have this urge to keep the tape on because it explains so much without me having to say it- why I sound like Minnie Mouse, why my neck looks like I swallowed a dinner plate, why I'm tired, and foggy brained.

The incision looks so naked to me, it scares me. It's me, revealed, right where everyone can see it- changed forever.