Two steps forward, one back

I feel this dance of one-step-forward, one-step-back happening since I got home from the hospital. I'll feel pretty okay for a couple of days, and then the third day is a whopper where I feel wiped out, emotional, sad... basically scorched out. In my mind I see a tree whose center has been burned by a great fire. It's still growing, but the center has just been made into charcoal. That is me, on days like this, or after births.

Today is a 'scorched tree' day.

It's wearing on me how hard it is to talk and interact with my family. My kids really have been supportive and great and even though you can't get through a day without squabbling children at some point, they've taken care of each other well and I am really grateful. I have been able to talk a bit with Randy (who comes home today, yay!) and that's been good. It feels good for him to see that I am improving daily, and it will be great to have his help when he gets back.

It's hard for me to talk for any length, I get this feeling of a giant lump pressing on my esophagus which is uncomfortable and distracting but not painful. At night I wake up and I'm sore and nauseas, but after I take my medication, I have a snack and I feel better. I have good energy on non scorched-tree days.

I just want to get into my comfy clothes and climb into my bed and sleep for a few hours. I don't know that it's going to happen today.

If the dance steps don't change, tomorrow I will feel a lot better. Keeping my eye on what's coming and not rushing what's happening now.