Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Somewhere, the earth has shifted

I know there was an earthquake somewhere, I could feel it in the energy field. The ground beneath my feet seems to have shifted but how can that be? The buildings are still standing. My family is still eating dinner. No one is screaming.

But I hear that far away scream and I know that somewhere, someone fell hard, and that things won't be the same after that. Every day, I hear her a little closer. I know she is a woman. I know she can't stop screaming yet, and while she is still far away, she is getting closer every day.

I know that suddenly the world is painted in slashes and hard colors and shock, and the current of the river that carried her suddenly dropped her on her ass and the rapids are approaching. And she's still screaming, because how can this be? My breath catches in my throat and my chest gets tight when I hear her. I can't breathe, and I can't breathe, and I can't breathe.


And then I tell myself how ridiculous I am being, this big drama fest for a little, easy, barely-even-a-cancer cancer. That the word 'cancer' is just too much for what this is because it'll be cut out and I'll be done, so what am I spending all this time fussing about? SUCK IT UP SOLDIER. Stop being such a fucking baby - no - DRAMA QUEEN.


Chest tight...


Get over yourself.


  1. Hey Kristina...Liz Chalmers here....I'm 14 years post-cancer-that's-hardly-even-a-cancer (only mine was in situ in my cervix.) Just wanted to say I've experienced the weird existence of *not* having a big nasty scary life-threatening cancer, but feeling scared and life-threatened anyway.

    Not sure I'd classify my reaction or yours as being a drama queen. True drama queenery is when someone melts down because their iPad isn't arriving till tomorrow or the store was sold out of lime green pumps. I think it's OK to react dramatically to earthquakes, transition, or cancer--any kind of cancer.

  2. I'm having a very hard time giving myself permission to do that. Thank you for that perspective, it really helps.

  3. Honestly I didn't know there were any cancers that were not so bad to have. Cancer is cancer is cancer and you summed in up in a later post that you have something in you that wishes you dead so I'm all about not minimizing. I'm sorry you have cancer. Period. Mwah.