I don't know that I've written a lot about this (maybe I have, I'm tired lol), but I really think this thyroid cancer is energetic and not a toxicity of my body. I never had a moment of thinking, "What did I do to cause this?" I never felt like something I ate, or was exposed to, was the culprit.
A few years ago I was talking with my friend Cyndi about some relationships I have that are unsatisfying, and I was getting upset as we talked. She asked me to see the energy moving through my body and stopping at each chakra. Up through my root, sacral, solar plexus it moved, the wheels turning in my mind, through my heart where it got a little sticky and up to my throat where it reached a dead. stop. I said, "I can't get it past my throat."
The throat chakra connects us to our self-expression, our creativity, and faith. When we feel and harbor guilt, this chakra is closed, and when we let that open and move past it, we 'open' the throat chakra.
I know that my throat closes up about these relationships. I don't speak my truth, I don't ask for what I need and I get angry when I don't get it. I don't think I've worked harder to be in integrity with myself as I do when I am working on these particular relationships and somehow I don't change, so nothing changes.
When I found out I had a growth in my thyroid I had a vision of a lotus painted on my throat, and I couldn't shake it (and still can't, which is why I had it henna'd on there). The throat chakra looks like this:
Each part represents something and I won't go into it just because I think if it resonates with you, you'll go searching on your own. But there is a part of this chakra that comes from the petals of a lotus and it was just affirming to me that I have some work to do being honest with myself about my feelings, and being honest with some of the people in my life, too. I deserve it, and so do they- and I have to summon the courage to speak those truths and stand by them, as I do in the rest of my life.
When something touches me that is especially healing, the tumor in my throat literally aches. I mean, like aches fiercely like someone flicked it hard. It calls all my attention and is a persistent voice and it tells me that what I am doing is right. My throat, my chakra, and the physical manifestation of how I am in dysfunction, vibrates.
My friend Dennis invited me to a Reiki healing session a few weeks ago and instantly I knew I needed to go. I wouldn't normally go to something like this just because I have to make time for so many other things, I don't tend to do things like this that feed my spirit, with other people, very often. I was a part of a full moon circle a while back that disintegrated and I miss the ritual presence in my life. This felt really important to do, and I couldn't make time for it at the time (all things in Divine timing!) it was definitely on my radar. I felt compelled, the same way I felt compelled to sit in the sanctuary at the church that was hosting an event we attended, and pray for healing for me, and for everyone who the room had ever touched. I am not governed by a set of spiritual rules of how things 'must' be and 'should' be, I let the Divine/God/dess touch me and I respond, no matter the language.
In the midst of this I knew I needed henna and I asked my friend Holly who is an amazing henna artist to assist. She is also friends with Dennis and there seemed to be bit of an interesting circle developing, and we had deep delicious conversation while she blessed me with a healing lotus on my throat.
As she worked I could feel the little growth in there doing its little "Ow, you flicked me!" thing and it was just right. The stain didn't stand out the next day and faded quickly (due to where it's located on the body) and it didn't need to, energetically that lotus is still hanging out on my neck.
She told me the next Reiki circle was coming up and that I should plan to go. This time it felt right and I felt strongly that I needed to be there. I put it in my calendar and it just felt easy and there was no resistance.
Last night I picked up a friend I haven't seen in 15+ years, someone who taught me early about the courage to be authentic, and whose light still shines brighter than anyone can really look at - she is radiant. She is good Medicine for me and I am glad that whatever stirred the pot and allowed her a window back into my life, that she is there again. She is a talisman for speaking my truth too, that being just who you are is good enough, and a blessing to others as well.
We went to the circle and neither of us knew what to expect, having never done it before. I've done work in circles so I knew the basics about holding space, using energy, but I wasn't sure what was going to actually happen. Was it like team building? Were we going to turn to the left, massage shoulders, turn to the right, massage the other person? Would we be crying? I wasn't nervous, I felt excited and ready and that it was right where I should be.
I won't go into the whole thing but I will say that Holly and Dennis both showed up and they had, on New Moon Litha, done a ritual with others where they gathered up sacred objects, charged them with love and healing and bestowed them upon me- and I know that language sounds a little dramatic but that is really how it feels. Precious gems of healing that make me wish I was a kangaroo so I could tuck them safely in my pouch and carry them until they are no longer needed. I was told that they would have 'something' for me but I never expected everything I received, and that only covers the earthly goods that they gave me. It showed me that we each have capacity for Great Love, if we only let it move through us - we can each hold each other in love and healing and all of the other things that we strive for, without it costing us. And that it is okay to make sacrifices for others, but also to be the recipient of the fruit of those sacrifices, which is where I struggle.
I did want to tell my experience on the table. I lay down on the table while about 12 people put their hands on me, or near my body. There were other things going on outside of me, but inside, I felt the growth start to have that pinchy feeling again. People sang, hummed and all of that energy washed over me like a blanket. I was grateful for the singing, singing is how I move this energy of "HolyshitIhavecancer" out of me when it starts to back up. I open my throat (ha!) and I sing as loud as I can. The singing during the session was perfect.
There is something about surrendering to a room full of people you don't know all that well and closing your eyes and letting them touch your body as they wish. No boundaries are crossed, and some people squeezed, some hovered, some massaged, some rocked me back and forth- and it felt like being carried by them. I just lay there and received it and when it was done, I felt a SNAP!, suddenly I was high, high, high on endorphins. My throat was uncomfortably pinchy, very intensely so, and I instinctively wanted to protect with my hand the part of my body that hurt, but I felt like I needed to just be in the experience of it, to not protect it, that it was just right.
We then went on to split into two groups and we did this for each person there. It was a lot of bawdy jokes and laughing, inside jokes, funny stories, and generous amounts of Love and being with each other in an easy, and Sacred way. I did not feel self conscious and slipped right into the stream of it and as I touched people, images came into my mind that I shared with them because it felt like the right thing to do.
In the midst of this day, some of my feelings about the things I need to do were turning and activating action, and today I am sleepy but feeling like I moved forward toward. I'm nervous today but ready for the surgery tomorrow.