Breathing in, breathing out, that air spirals into the lungs and back out. This process is much the same. I am on the exhale now and it feels good. On Thursday I woke up sad, deeply sad and weepy all day. I spent some delicious time with friends and even got to burst into tears in a friend's grocery store (what fun!) I just felt worn down and heavy. I felt like I couldn't lift my face, or shoulders, or feet. It's a heavy thing to carry and I think I make it heavier on myself in a lot of unintentional ways.
I knew I had my endo appointment yesterday and on Thursday I declared that I would probably finally burst into tears and cry my face off, right there in front of the endocrinologist. If that's where it had to be, well then damnit, so be it.
I woke up yesterday and felt ease. My dreams all assure me that I will be victorious and honestly I haven't really imagined another outcome. I think I knew I had cancer, either that or the process prepared me for that possibility really gently and well. When I got the call, I wasn't surprised.
Meeting the endocrinologist, I felt like Dorothy putting her foot on that first step of the yellow brick road. I don't know what's ahead, but I know I can't stay here in Cancerland, and this funny spiral road is my way home. I don't need to know every twist and turn ahead and I know that wicked witch is going to show herself again (fear, pain, worry, concern, sadness) and that's just part of this journey. I also know that I'm surrounded by Scarecrows, Tin-folk and ferocious Lions, all along the way. I'll take it. It's forward movement.
I have cancer. It still sounds odd but I think it sounds odd in a very healthy way- that if I integrate this information fully, I am accepting it. I do not hate cancer, I appreciate that it's here to teach me something, and I hope that my heart blasts wide open and picks up that information quickly so that it can go away, away, away.
I teach my students that if we are moving away from something, we're looking behind us and can't see what's ahead as easily as if we move toward something. What happened in the past is done, over, and can't repeat itself- not truly. What's ahead? I don't know. I am looking forward with curiosity and an open heart because that's what I know how to do. I know how to learn and love and trust. I'm good at those things. Being afraid, worrying, fretting - I'm not so good at those things. I'll stick to what I'm good at.